What to Expect When You're Not Expecting

the reprint

After I shared this piece (see below) in late September on my Substack, I received a steady drip of emotionally charged private messages from readers and friends and, most interestingly, acquaintances whom I did not know were my readers.

The messages I received over those several days seemed less like fan mail or feedback and more like prayers and confessions.

I wrote this piece without a moment’s thought to my peer-aged male readers. It wasn’t my intention to exclude them, they simply didn’t cross my mind. So I was surprised and intrigued to hear from men in my life for whom this piece was deeply meaningful. I had seen this entirely as a piece of writing for biological females, which was rather old-fashioned of me.

One reader followed up with me months later to tell me of his recent vasectomy, citing this piece of writing as specifically having clarified his decision. And the women I heard from responded in myriad ways. One sent photos of herself officiating her niece’s wedding and shared her deep joy with me at being an aunt. Another hand-delivered her 1970s dissertation on these and related themes, which she had graciously scanned and photocopied for me. (I haven’t read it yet, but it is on my (literal and very important-to-me) “2025 to do” list and… it’s only March.)

This piece, also, I later found out, made its way around, via the underground circuit of a suburban yoga class, the mothers-of-millennials-who-wish-to-be-grandmas-and-have-found-out-they-likely-won’t-be. (A demographic that the New York Times recently covered.) My essay was emailed as a means by which to forge understanding between the generations.

I am pleased to have marked myself as a safe space and fellow-traveler/inquiring mind on this not-so-new topic. Even this morning I received a text from a friend on this theme, who said that this piece of writing had been knocking around in her head for months, facilitating closure on a long open question.

I re-feature most pieces I write to give the internet another shot, in case they miss it the first time. With this piece, I’ve just re-read it for the occasion and thought, meh, not my sharpest writing on a technical level… but I’m reminded, as I am about once biennially, of the eternal Martha Graham quote:

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.” ― Martha Graham

You really can’t argue with Martha. When you make something, you release it to the audience. It takes root in ways you can’t imagine.

So here are my personal thoughts on not having children and I celebrate you and whatever your opinions, your hopes, your plans, your regrets even — might be. The freedom to decide — with the best info you have at any given moment — is a gift that I wish for everyone.